[Heinzftw]

http://www.drunkrepublic.com/humor-a...arder-than-you

I Work Harder Than You!

By Kingpin, on 09-01-2009 19:59

Views : 1400

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Published in : Articles, Humor

I work harder than you! You're just a fucking slacker while I get shit done. I've got 6 conference calls lined up today and 2 meetings that I have to be in. What will you be doing? That's what I thought. I do more shit in one day than you do all week. I'm the hardest working son of a bitch in this company. Deal with it.



I pound cups of coffee all day while I knock shit out of the park. God damn I'm good. Yeah, you're one of those guys who comes in on time and then does the minimum. I know your type. I'm at work while you're still asleep. I get here an hour early every fucking day of the week and I don't leave until everyone else has left. If they had an employee of the month award, I would win that shit every damn month!



Upper management loves me. They know that I am the fucking king of this department. They know that when shit hits the fan, I'm the guy that will be all over it. I am the company's protector and I will NOT let anything....ANYTHING ever hurt it. When trouble comes knocking, I punch trouble in the fucking throat! This is MY house!



So this is your workspace? That's cute. You've only got 2 monitors on your computer? That shit is weak! Me? Oh, I have 4 monitors. I can check my e-mail, type a document, process spreadsheets AND surf LinkedIn.com without ever having to minimize or maximize windows. You know what that means? I'm WAY more efficient, thus giving me more time to work! What do you mean why am I wearing 2 bluetooth headsets? So I can handle 2 calls at once. Not only does it make me more efficient, but it also assures that I will be the first one to join the conference call in case the one I'm on is running over. I must be the first one. Everyone is always impressed that I am always the first one in. Especially the guy hosting it. He's always like "Whoa! How did you get in here? I'm the one with the host code." and I'm always like "Yeah, bro, I checked your e-mail to get the host code. Guess you should have called in earlier." BOOM!



All this talk about working is making my dick hard. Seriously, no joke, check out the wood I'm rocking in my pleated khakis! If it doesn't go away soon, I'm going to fuck the copy machine while I'm on 2 conference calls at the same time. Have you ever fucked an office appliance while knocking 2 conference calls out? I didn't think so. You wouldn't be able to handle it. I feel sorry for people like you. You will never accomplish anything. I think I need to go change my pants.



Vacation? I don't even know what vacation is. Sure, me and the wife go places, but I don't know where I'm at half the time because I'm constantly on the phone taking care of business. My wife claims that we once went to Disney World, but I just think the bitch is high. I know I would have remembered seeing Mickey Mouse. Kids? Yeah, I've got a boy and a girl...I think. I don't really know my family very well. It's more of a status symbol than love. Every night I go home, eat dinner, kick back in my favorite chair and then I'm on the phone with our European branch to help them out of whatever wacky European bind they've gotten into. They love me over there. Then after that, I wake the wife up, hit that shit for an hour, make a pot of coffee and shower to get ready for work. I've got a waterproof bluetooth headset in case anyone calls while I'm in the shower. Sleep? Fuck sleep. Sleep is for you weak people. I NEVER sleep. In the past 5 years, I've only had 10 hours of sleep. That's all the sleep I need to fuel this work machine.



Hobbies? Yeah, I have hobbies. I golf. Every weekend I take some of my clients out to hit the links. I spend the day crushing drives down the fairways and discussing business. I fucking love my clients and they love me. Then we usually end the day with massages. Happy ending anyone? Then it's drinks at the bar so I can finalize my pitch to them on why they should upgrade their order. By the end of the night we're in a strip club and the company's expense account is paying for lap dances in the VIP room while we do rails of coke off some stripper's ass. Then BAM! I close the deal. I always close. ALWAYS!



Well, bro, this was a good talk, but it's time to get some fucking work done. Have fun with your lame day full of doing the minimum. I'll remember you when I'm running this place. Then I'll fire everyone and run the whole company by myself.


^^Hilarious!!!

[YellowFinger]

lol

[aut0sh0cker]

reminds me of Ari Gold!!!

[06E90Rostik]

As for me it misses a punchline. It was funny throughout and then just ended. But funny nonetheless.